K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
