i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
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