you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
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