Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
i drank out of a bidet.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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