well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
