one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
