The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I need water and some morals
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
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