You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Randomize
