In the future we'll all be gay
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Randomize
