so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Randomize
