The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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