end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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