I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Randomize
