the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
pray to the hookup gods
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
