I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
