he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
