Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
