The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
This is classic penis vs brain.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize