I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
