she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
