Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Randomize
