you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
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