A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
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