I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Randomize
