12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
