Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
is wine microwaveable?
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
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