dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Randomize
