Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
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