I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Drunk is a universal language darling
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