you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
