Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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