I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
