There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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