we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
I faked an abortion last night.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
