You can't motorboat a personality
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Randomize
