I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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