i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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