Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
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