He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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