I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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