please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
