You just made me feel so damn special
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
