OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
