either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
