i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
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