I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
