Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
