you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
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