my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Two words: nipple clamps
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