Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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