oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
