I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Randomize
