Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Randomize
