can we get nightvision for the apartment?
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
my being single is dangerous.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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