Someone shit on the floor
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
