Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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