Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
I woke up under a house in Key West
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