so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
