Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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