Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
