and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
