May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
I checked into jail on foursquare
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
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